To Unfollow, Or Not To Unfollow? That Tis The Breakup Question

When you’re fresh off of a breakup, there are an insurmountable array of emotions you find yourself desperately trying to navigate: hurt, nostalgia, longing, loneliness, confusion, and the oh so popular, mind-numbing grief.  You’re not your usual self, and you know it. Scented candles and chocolate wrappers are scattered around your messy apartment, or overly organized OCD apartment - dependent on your coping style. Not to mention, you jump every time your phone vibrates. Whether your laundry is dirty or meticulously folded in color-coded piles, the same goes for everyone while dealing with losing someone they loved, it’s far from easy.   

It’s common knowledge that breakups are hard. Regardless if you were the dumper, the dumpee, or it was a mutual desire to cut the cord, you are now faced with an unnerving question. Do you unfollow your Ex? Ex marks the spot, where you’re still grappling with your mixed-emotions, so why twist the virtual knife by staying “friends” on social media? 

Two words, ladies…poker face. 

Let’s be real, friendship after a breakup is like putting a band-aid over a huge pulsating zit at the center of your forehead, everybody knows what’s up. Whether you hung on too long when things weren’t going great, or you ended things with your significant other, like a wise and practical member of Oprah’s inner circle, no one wants to appear as any of the following: unhappy, bitter, or desperate.

The same psychological warfare that goes on while dating comes right back into the equation when you and your former partner are no longer each other’s somebodies and trust me, no one wants to be the first to show weakness.  It’s human nature to compete with an ex, so the way that translates nowadays is constant updates to your phone and nagging notifications to your computer screen.

The gloves are off, and the posts are up.

There are a few ways to handle social media post-breakup.  Ideally, a simple unfollow would do just fine, but that’s not how exes tend to operate.  If you didn’t date a complete asshole, know that there should be a grace period. A minimum of at least one month should pass where both parties refrain from posting on social media.  

That goes for pictures, statuses, happy quotes - anything. Breaking up is similar to mourning the death of a close loved one. By posting too soon you’re basically telling that other person, I don’t respect what we had enough to have a moment of pondering, without pouting in a selfie (you heard me, girls, no puckering up too soon).  If you didn’t already get the memo, take a break, people. Posting too soon after a split is the equivalent of kissing somebody at a bar during happy hour, it’s just tacky, and no one is buying the cheap sparks.

If your ex is posting incessantly, and especially if they weren’t an avid poster beforehand, you have every right to be offended, and more importantly, you have every reason to unfollow.  This is a delicate time, and you’re responsible for protecting yourself, first and foremost.  So, if that other person is being insensitive to your feelings, you shouldn’t subject yourself to their subliminal messages.  That’s what posts too soon after a breakup are, weak attempts to convey a false recovery. 

 You’re better than that, so don’t buy the hype and the hyper-edited photos at the club.  Someone doing that is just trying to rub it in your face that they’re happy without you. When in reality, that person is probably living in denial and not facing their own emotions. Don’t worry about what they’re doing or how they’re feeling, and most importantly, do not respond.

It’s important to realize that there are no set of rules to follow after a breakup, every break up is different, and every person is different. What you should do is pay attention to how consumed you are by their presence on your feed.  Do you click on their page every free moment you have? Are you more relaxed about the idea of looking at their posts, but you still feel a pang of hurt whenever you see a picture? Does it hurt to be reminded of that cute button-down shirt you used to like on him so much? For the guys, does watching other men comment on her photos make you want to visit their homes and throw stink bombs underneath their door? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, you might need to consider taking some drastic measures. This might mean deactivating your account, taking a break altogether from social media, or doing something more ruthless like blocking your ex. Follow your gut on this one.

Only you know your emotional temperature.

If you still care about this person, you’re probably thinking, will I upset them if I delete them off of Facebook, or unfollow their Instagram or Twitter?  Will this make me the bad guy or the bitter ex?  The answer to that is entirely subjective and entirely up to your frame of mind while doing so.  If you are unfollowing for the wrong reasons, like to get a rise out of them, then yes, you are definitely wrong. If you’re doing a phantom of the opera disappearing act for good reason. To protect your heart, heal, and improve your chances of moving on in a healthy, non-jealous, non-stalking manner - don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

To unfollow is not a sin, I repeat, it is not a sin.  Consider all the hoarding tendencies we’ve developed while collecting past-acquaintances, college friends long-forgotten, and annoying family members on Facebook.  Why add the painful reminder of a failed past relationship to that dysfunctional jumble? 

That’s the thing about a poker face, it’s usually with an end goal in mind, and if you don’t think you’re going to hang in there until the end, just get out of there.

Sometimes it’s best to fold, even if that means showing your cards.